TVSquad

"Scary Movie": Zarqawi's got a hot new video and it's "all that and a bag of hummus". However, the US military, ever the spirit-dampener, has found the extra footage that Zarqawi didn't include in his propaganda tape. Naturally, it's all less than flattering because it shows Zarqawi fumbling with his machine gun (so, in essence, it was a Zarqawi blooper reel). "It makes you wonder," Major General Rick Lynch said of Zarqawi's inability to operate the weapon. Jon added, "... Yeah. Makes you wonder why we haven't caught this putz yet." Zarqawi was also sporting white New Balance shoes in the video. I'm sure NB is really happy with this free product placement.

"Secretary on the Defensive": Donald Rumsfeld's still getting bitched out by people left and right (okay, not so much right, but he's still getting bitched out). TDS showed a few clips of Rummy contradicting himself, but I totally saw that on Countdown with Keith Olbermann already. I guess it's hard to miss Rummy's painful excuses nowadays. Fortunately for Rummy, FOX News got his back, yo. In a special report called "Why He Fights", FOX News tried their best to humanize the robot, even bringing up the fact that Rumsfeld was once named one of People's Sexiest Men (it was a terribly off-year... Tom Bosley was the Man of the Year). Oh, and he has a pedometer. So... He has working legs! For this, you should love him.

"Law and Border": Jason Jones filed a report about the issue of border protection... No, not between the US and Mexico, but between the US and a strange place called Canada (pronounced can-AYDA, apparently). These "Canadians" must be kept off US soil because they will quickly consume everything in sight (their anatomy is strange... four stomachs and a gizzard). To my surprise, I really enjoyed this segment. I think it might have been because it wasn't like Jones' usual self-centered reports. This time around, it was all about that weird old Minutemen dude. Oh, and Jones' ridiculous Australian accent was wonderful.

The night's guest was Eric Shawn, author of The UN Exposed: How the United Nations Sabotages America's Security and Fails the World (catchy title). This man wasted no time getting into a rant about the UN, calling it a crooked city hall. Jon welcomed him and he immediately started giving his little speech. I found myself forgetting to inhale because it felt like Shawn didn't breathe between sentences. Thankfully, Jon interrupted him with some questions and I managed to keep myself from blacking out.

Jon/Stephen: Stephen Colbert's got a pretty funny joke about the CIA...

Stephen: Knock, knock!
Jon: ... Who's there?
Stephen: It's the CIA, Colbert! Don't screw with this! We know you're in there! We know you have the microfiche. We've got a .38 magnum and a silencer! You're gonna come out in five seconds and give it to us!

Turned out that the CIA was looking for a Samuel Colbert, who lived in the next building. Still, it was the scariest day of his life, Colbert admitted a little too giddily.

Holy crap! Billy Connolly's going to be on the next episode! WHEE! Ahem. Moment of Zen: Rummy's got a pedometer. Now, love him. LOVE HIM.