TVSquad

Sometimes I think to myself there must be more to this world than what my eyes see, a spirit world which mingles clandestinely with us lowly terrestrial beings. But how do we get in contact with the "other side," and more importantly, how can we use this knowledge to instill absolute terror in young children? This is why I watch psychic Sylvia Browne on Montel every Wednesday. If you missed yesterday's show, here's some highlights:

The first guests were a mother and a daughter who was probably in her late twenties. The daughter's sister, who was her twin, had passed away at a party without explanation. Using her conduit to the spirit world, Sylvia asked about a set of earrings. Yes, the mother said, she did sometimes buy things in sets of two for the girls, and sometimes she bought earrings. As much as I wish I had the kind of grip on the spirit world Sylvia has, I could only come to the same conclusion by noticing that the daughter was wearing gigantic earrings, that twins always receive gifts, usually similar, because they share the same birthday, and that every mother in the history of mankind has at one time or another bought earrings for her daughter(s).

I almost turned the TV off at that point, upset that my mind was somehow blocked from this world where spirits contact you and tell you the obvious. Where is my spirit guide? I want someone from Beyond saying to me, "Hey, in case you were wondering, it's going to get dark tonight. It will stay that way for about eleven hours and then it will be daylight again. Now I must return to the Hereafter!"

Next, a mother came on the show to ask about her four year old son, who she claims is able to see dead people. Fortunately, he only saw human people, which made it possible for Sylvia to explain to the mother that their house was haunted and they needed to either move or surround the house with salt and holy water. Had Sylvia been talking to me when I was four, when an overactive imagination and a half-asleep brain would cause me, during nap time, to see every thing from skulls coming out of the wall, to panda bears, to skeleton pirates crashing through my window (I'm absolutely not joking), I'm not sure she would have had the same response.

Is there a connection between the panda and the skeleton pirate? Did the panda once eat the pirate and they've decided to battle for all eternity in my bedroom? Well, I'll probably never know, but what's important for all parents to learn is that when your child is scared to be alone in his room at night, the worst thing you can do is tell him it's all in his head. It's much better to tell him there really are dead people in his room. Also, when he's in the car with you, occasionally swerve into oncoming traffic. Trust me, a child who has suffered a heart attack before they're six will eventually evolve into a well-rounded adult. This is the mysterious way of the spirit world.

Also, as was proved later in the show when a mother came on with her two daughters, one about three and the other an infant, whenever a child is alone in her room talking to herself or pretending to play with someone who isn't there, it isn't because they're using their imagination, it's because they're speaking to a dead person. I would add that whenever any of us talk to ourselves, at any time, we're talking to the dead whether we realize it or not. Therefore, I would like to seriously apologize to whatever spirit was around me that day I was putting shingles on the roof and I called the spirit a "a god**** mother f****** b******" after hitting my thumb with a hammer. Honestly, that wasn't directed at you, Dead Person. Call me, we'll hit Denny's sometime.