TVSquad

Tom DeLay stepped down as the House Majority Leader so the Republicans had to find a replacemant for the Notorious TOM. But, hey, guess what? When the votes were counted, they found more ballots submitted than actual Republican voters! It's very funny in sad, sad way. Have you lost faith in humanity yet? By the way, the winner ended up being a fellow named Robert Boehner (it's pronounced "banner" but everyone knows it's really "boner").

Cindy Sheehan was invited to the State of the Union address but was quickly arrested "because I was wearing a shirt," she said. Well, an anti-war shirt, anyway. Putting yourself in the "victim" position is a good way to get the viewer on your side, Sheehan, but hugging and hanging out with Hugo Chavez? Not so much.

Enron. Remember that? Feels like old news, yeah? Well, that's because it happened about four and a half years ago but the trials are only starting to kick in now. The defense lawyers are full of crap because they're paid by the lie and the stories of dismissal from former employees ring familiar to Jon... They're the same lines that he used to dump girls ("Don't steal anything as you're leaving!"). Senior Legal Analyst Ed Helms joined in to talk about the Enron guys using the race card to get away with it. Honestly, my brain shut down a little ways into this segment because I was too busy trying to figure out why Helms looked so different. After a few seconds of squinting at the screen and turning my head this way and that, I finally realized that Helms wasn't wearing any glasses. It was strange and unfamiliar... I felt like there was an intruder on my television screen. Don't ever go without your glasses again, Mr. Helms. It's like if Rob Corddry popped in one day with a toupee or something. It's just... wrong.

"American Resolutions" Part 4: Dan Bakkedahl came in to talk about his 2006 New Year's resolution. After watching a snake devour a whole egg on television, he decided to follow through this year and finally figure out a way to fit his entire fist in his mouth. He tried banging his elbow against the wall while his fingers were barely in, stretching his mouth out a little, and even lubing his hand up with mayo (arrgh... sick). This could have been a really funny segment (because, seriously, hasn't everyone wondered at one time or another how cool it would be to be able to fit your whole fist in your mouth?) but it fell flat... I'm not quite sure what caused it to fall short of "funny" but I know Bakkedahl hasn't lived up to the TDS correspondents standard. He and Jason Jones are remarkably weak compared to the other correspondents (including Nate Corddry, who is fitting in quite nicely, I think).

The night's guest was Robert O'Harrow, Jr. (author of No Place to Hide). He spent his interview scaring the crap out of everyone (including me) by explaining how the government is mining information about everyone by tracking our phone coversations, our purchases, our e-mails, everything. He said that the government has been joining forces with "corporate information gatherers" to get details about the lives of every American adult to make assessments. They can figure out how likely you are to commit a crime, for example. Dude. It's like Minority Report. Anyway, O'Harrow said that he believed that the most important thing is to create rules and regulations to back up this data revolution.

Jon checked in with Stephen Colbert, who was chillin' like a villain. Moment of Zen: It's Boehner!