Wow, I didn't think anything could suck more than the Vegas auditions. But Austin, you proved
me wrong! You are the suckiest city so far. People from Texas can't sing, but hot damn they're attractive. (My family
is from Texas. Wink wink; nudge nudge.) Yup, Texas has a lot to be proud of -- the acting skills of Jessica
Simpson, a great president, and a lot of good-looking people who can't sing worth crap.Where do I begin? I suppose with Julian, the 27-year-old dancer, who can do full leg extends and the splits...in cowboy boots. Or how about Paula, the all-pink nutbag who likes to draw life-size pictures of Paula Abdul? She was pretty rad. Couldn't sing, but her boobs were huge, which earned Austin 2 points on the hotness scale and 0 points on the talent scale. Cierra was also very pretty (strike that) gorgeous, but after her renditions of "O Holy Night" and "Silent Night" Simon described her as being more "The Nightmare Before Christmas." My male roommates went nuts over Allison, the brunette with the tight pink top. I sorta thought she was just average-looking, but they both proclaimed her super hot. I guess it's that whole girl next girl thing. Well, Allison couldn't sing worth anything, but she did have a great zinger with the "pictured Simon in his swimming trunks" crack. She was so cute (apparently) that the judges gave her an extra half hour to practice, but surprise, surprise...she still sucked.
Jason, the funeral director, was a gleaming light of hope. He was an attractive dude and he could really belt a tune. He sounded so much like Josh Groban while singing "You Lift Me Up," that it was creepy. I really enjoyed it and I don't even like Josh Groban. So what, Jason is a funeral director. I can look right past that, but can the voting public?
Then there was super hottie Ashley, the "fit model." What in the hell is a fit model? A million points if someone can explain it to me. Ashley explained it during the audition, but I couldn't understand her. Something about trying on clothes to make sure they fit. What does that mean? I thought that Ashley's voice was average, but her super hotness got her through to Hollywood. That and she can sing with her mouth totally closed. Creepy. The judges thought she had a likeable personality, but I found it absolutely obnoxious. I just hope that she squeezes through to the later rounds...just so I can not vote for her.
And then there was Ronnie or RJ, as his friends call him. But everybody is his friend, so everyone calls him RJ, ha ha. Those are his lame words, not mine. RJ is a self-proclaimed ladies man who seduces old ladies for 25% tips, while working as a waiter. He is all things arrogance. In short, a total schmuck. I hated this guy and I was really hoping that he would suck, but he had a great voice and made it to the next round. Argggggh, where is karma when you need it, Carson Daly?
My favorite audition was 16-year-old William. What a cutie! He looked like a taller Fred Savage, circa my 8th grade fantasies. He was absolutely adorable and he could sing to boot. Yes, finally someone who is cute AND can sing.
Finally, the commercials made a big stink about Tessie, a tubby girl with yellow braids, who squeezed her big tushy into a tight pair of pink pants. (Simon described it as stuffing potatoes into a sack, and I take it a step further by saying, "stuffing scalloped potatoes into a sack.") The commercials made it seem like she was going to be the next William Hung and yes, she did suck. But just marginally. It wasn't really even that funny. The best part was when she tried to slam a swinging door and instead fell into her mom's arms and cried for her broken dreams. Not funny, so much as sad.
Boooo Austin....you suck!
Next Tuesday it's Boston, which will be wicked awesome, I'm sure. (Insert your Ben Affleck and Matt Damon impression here.)
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
2-07-2006 @ 4:47PM
alyssa said...
WOW. Austin really sucked. They showed *maybe* 5-8 good people.. and the rest of the auditions, horrible. I hear stuck up simon won't allow any celeb. judges on there this year. < ANY BODY KNOW WHY?.
Anyways, hopefully Boston will bring better auditions.
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2-08-2006 @ 8:59AM
Denise Calhoun said...
In all fairness to the Austin auditions it doesn't take a brain scientist to see that they only showed what THEY thought was good TV. It really reminded me of an audition for "Let's make a deal" or a really bad Fear Factor. My son auditioned in Austin and was rejected. He has been in the Texas All-State Choir for 2 years which means he competed in 3 other competitions to get there. The Texas All-State choir is one of the best choirs in the nation. He also was given a special award for solo ensemble competition. I went to San Francisco (I don't know why they had to lie but that shows you what kind of people we are dealing with) There were some tremendous kids with phenomenal voices that didn't make it and unfortunately were never even seen. Most went in and sang songs that showed their forte. They were told they had great voices but that was not what they were looking for. If they were auditioning for the best voices it would be a totally different show. Instead it looks like American Idol Circus. The people you are seeing should never have gotten to the third round. Of course they made it look like Randy, Paula and Simon were there for round one. NOT! First they auditioned for the cast directors, then the producers and if they made it through those two auditions then they auditioned for RS&P. Don't be fooled by what you are seeing. They are only looking for good TV not for the best voices. Summary the kids that had really good voices were turned away and told they were not what Idol was looking for. So Kudos to the austin contestants that auditioned and are already champions in their own right. BRAVO!
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2-01-2006 @ 10:14PM
rebecca said...
I live in Austin, and am a big proponent of the live music scene. It's a shame that the auditions that they showed (and the people they chose) didn't represent the vast numbers of immensely talented people in Austin making music. Of course, the Austin musicians who are making credible music down here probably aren't going to audition for Idol.
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2-01-2006 @ 10:40PM
Clint said...
I'm also from Austin. There is a lot of great music here, just not necessarly of the pop idol variety. Austin is all about alternative sounds.
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2-01-2006 @ 10:49PM
Gemini said...
If I remember correctly the original American Idol is from Texas, so someone in this state has to be able to sing. It's a real shame that the show had to choose just the crap audtions, some of which weren't even locals. All I know is that being in the Austin area is wonderful and there's a fantastic musical experience that just didn't make it to Idol.
Keep Austin Weird!
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2-02-2006 @ 2:07AM
Jason Simmons said...
If Idol could have chosen another Texas city, then they should have chosen Lubbock!
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2-02-2006 @ 3:00AM
MooBob42 said...
I didn't watch the show, but a fit model is the person that companies use to measure clothes of a certain size. In other words, if this girl is a "medium," then she can go to any place that sells whatever brand of clothes for which she models, pick out a "medium," and it will fit her perfectly, since it was essentially tailored for her.
I wonder if Jackson Blacklock from Schrodinger's Cat attempted to audition again? I think they showed him on TV last year, but he was singing all crazy-like so I guess they rejected him.
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2-02-2006 @ 8:10AM
Elliott said...
My favorite part was when Simon made fun of that girl for wearing braces -Insert British Joke Here-.
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2-02-2006 @ 10:37AM
Sandra Davis said...
Will was fabulous, he danced in rhythm, he sang on pitch with a soulful quality beyond his 16 years. And Simon was right, this mom thinks he is very cute.
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2-02-2006 @ 1:01PM
e said...
The Austin TV critic made some good points on her blog entry today: http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/tvblog/entries/2006/02/02/weird_austin_idol_hopefuls_debut.html
I thought the funeral director was pretty yummy.
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2-02-2006 @ 1:02PM
e said...
Argh! Here's the link:
http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/tvblog/entries/2006/02/02/weird_austin_idol_hopefuls_debut.html
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2-03-2006 @ 9:16PM
J said...
LOL.. I think there is a connection here. Also notice that President and Jessica Simpson have something in common. Their intelligence! Jessica has her intelligence (or lack of), and So does our president.. And that can be taken two ways in the 2nd case.
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2-04-2006 @ 6:28AM
Janelle said...
I was really hoping RJ would suck to. He's just so cheesy. I see a great career ahead for him as a gigolo on a senior citizens singles cruise.
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2-04-2006 @ 6:42AM
Gloria French said...
Dittos, #4,Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings,George Strait, Don Henley(Eagles)etc, etc, etc..
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2-04-2006 @ 7:42AM
M.L. Stone said...
I love The American Idol.
Some of the this new group (at this point) I beleive are going to amazing. Of course Paris Bennett will be hard to beat...I'm not sure about "Crazy" Dave. Love William also Jason & Ricki. I'll be anxious to see what happens in Boston.
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2-04-2006 @ 7:45AM
pete said...
terrible performances --crap music & lines--no class performers cheasey performers would never be allowed or eligible for the EdSullivan show
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2-04-2006 @ 7:54AM
M.L. Stone said...
Love Amarican Idol!
Paris is going to be hard to beat. Love Willian. Also Jason and Ricli. I'm not sure about 'Crazy' Dave.
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2-04-2006 @ 8:41AM
Dee Johnson said...
Wow, I think the Austin showing was a total embarrassment to the State of Texas......the show was so bad until the judges were desperately seeking winners of some sort, so they chose a 16 year old who sucked as well. If you want to see some real talent in Texas, stop by the large city that's down the road name "HOUSOTON, TEXAS"... and stop dealing with the amateurs.......
Native Texan!
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2-04-2006 @ 9:25AM
Suzie said...
At the end of the Austin show, they mentioned there were 12 Hollywood hopefuls! Where were THEY?!?! It seems the editors only want us to see the bombs. They said they clammered for Vegas clips... did they mean that there weren't enough CRAPPY performances to show? I would have enjoyed seeing ALL the Hollywood bound... and NOT all the pathetic nonsense.
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2-04-2006 @ 9:31AM
emilie said...
A fit model is a woman (or man) who has the perfect measurements (a clothing industry standard, I guess) for a garment to be constructed on her body during the design process. All she does is stand while the designer tries various drapes, tucks, additions, etc. before the actual piece of clothing is made. Then she stands again for final adjustments so the finished product is a perfect size 4 or whatever...they don't ever walk the catwalk but are very highly valued and paid a lot of money in various couture houses.
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