TVSquad

Tonight we are in Greensboro, North Carolina. The South, which birthed stars like Fantasia, Ruben, Bo and Clay, so there should be some great talent here, right? Well...

Things get started with Sabrina, a girl with a too-short jean skirt, a thick Southern accent, and the belief her success at karaoke bars can translate to American Idol. Oh yeah. She's gonna suck. And she does. And Simon lands the first major insult of the night, saying "You are more Jerry Springer Show than American Idol. I can see you doing very well on that show." Sabrina's offended, but I see what he's saying. The skimpy outfit and the thick accent are a prerequisite for Springer, right?

Next up, Cachet Robinson. She walks the walk and has a humble attitude... I was thinking we were in for a good show right up until she said she only sings in the shower. Yells in the shower, to be exact. She's terrible and Simon lets her know it by suggesting she get a soundproof shower curtain.

A long line of crying and/or angry girls leave the audiitons without tickets to Hollywood.

Just when things are looking really bleak, we meet Kellie Pickler. A sweet, cute blonde-haired girl who has a sad life story. You know she's gonna be good because Idol followed her home to meet her grandfather, who she's lived with since she was two. Her mother ditched the family and her father is in jail. Idol has us rooting for this sweetheart and she totally nails both songs in her audition. She's so sweet, she put tears in my eyes! Of course she's going to Hollywood.

Next up are two creepy fellas. Shawn brings a science project and wears a tux, while Richie brings a ventriloquist's dummy. They don't make it. Neither does Rhonda. She's a sweet, naive girl with a squeaky voice, who thinks pouting will get her what she wants. It does, sort-of. She managed to get a hug from Ryan.

The freak circus continues with Steven David, a US Air National Guardsman who thinks he's sexy. He keeps hitting on Paula, so Randy and Simon drag her up to slow dance with him. I bet the security guards are on high alert, ready to attack Steven when he feels up Paula. Luckily, that didn't happen. Steven did make it to Hollywood, and we find out he has a wife. At least, he had a wife.

We finally get a good singer with Halicia Thompson, 27, who brought 15 family members to support her. She has a great voice and a huge personality, which always wins over the judges. Halicia is headed to Hollywood.

After a very bad audition from a kid who lost his singing voice when he hit puberty, we meet Kendra Winston. She's 24 years old and has three kids. She's been in 42 foster homes, but turned her life around a few years ago when she booted her no-good husband out, got her GED and a scholarship to college. She rocks Ain't No Mountain High Enough, but I find I like her personality better than her voice. As she celebrates her ticket to Hollywood, she asks for her boyfriend (Ryan) and tells the kids, "That means I'm leaving you." I dig this girl.

I would skip Chase, because he wasn't interesting, except Simon once again said something that is sure to piss off the GLAAD folks even more. Simon said he pictured Chase in a dress.

Next up is Chonna, who is wearing a very Paris Hilton-looking outfit, except cheaper. If that's even possible. It's a two-piece, pink-leopard print, lycra-looking get-up with fringe hanging down over her belly and thighs. Thank God she has the body to pull it off. Chonna tells the judges that her mom, a former stripper, bought the outfit for her at a lingerie store. Chonna sings and isn't too great but, the judges say, she just needs vocal training. We may see her next year. Hopefully it'll be cold out during auditions next year.

The next contestant sounds like he's hiccuping during his audition. He leaves before the judges can finish bashing him.

Then we meet gorgeous Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden, who sings Broken Road. I thought it was incredibly mediocre, but the judges must've heard something I didn't. They pass him through. My prediction: Ryan won't make Top 12.

Cedric thinks he'll get through because he's related to Fantasia Barrino. I sort-of missed this one because I was reading a breaking news crawl that came across the bottom of my television screen. But I did hear how awful he was. Sorry, Cedric.

I did stop watching the damn crawl to hear Paris sing. I missed who her mother was, but she's a famous singer, right? Paris does a good rendition of Cowboy Take Me Away, but then she knocks it out of the park when she sings a Billie Holliday song. Go, Paris! You could bring redemption to that name, darling. She and Kellie Pickler are my favorites so far tonight.

It's Day 2 in Greensoboro, and Simon's birthday. It turns out to be the best birthday ever, once horrible singer Marcus admits he learned how to sing from a Paula Abdul DVD. Even Paula admits it's funny.

Next up is Jimmy. Enunciate, Jimmy! Simon says, "You have the personality of a hippo when you sing." I don't know what that means, but I laughed pretty hard.

Show is getting boring now.. but I'm sticking around for this crazy woman who lets Paula have it.

We meet Tyra from New York who dumped her cheatin' boyfriend and performs a mediocre In the Still of the Night, but good enough to get a ticket to Hollywood.

And Seth. I don't even know what his deal is. He's a terrible Michael Jackson impersonator who sings with a speech impediment, but when he speaks, he is normal. Bye, bye Seth.

We haven't seen any really knock-out performances in this second hour. And the bad performers all seemed just sorta bad. Hopefully, we'll soon see something worth sticking around for.

Firefighter with a decent voice sings a Josh Gracin song. Randy doesn't like him but Paula and Simon give him the go-ahead to Hollywood. He says he's leaving the firefighter outfit behind.

And... here's the moment we've been waiting for: she's the next legend in American Idol auditions. She's all lady and all mouth. She is Rhonetta. She's wearing silver go-go boots, a silver halter top and a blonde wig. Belly hanging over her too-short skirt.

Ooh. There's way too much build-up for this girl. I hope she's as awful as they're making her out to be.

She starts singing Britney Spears (and dancing like her). No, it's just a joke. Listen, she can be bigger than J-Lo and Janet Jackson.

Finally, Rhonetta starts singing. And rubbing her thighs? She stops singing because she doesn't like the song (what was that song, anyway?). She turns down Paula's water with a scoul on her face.

Rhonetta starts singing again. And stops. And starts. And Simon stops her.

All the judges say no to her but she walks out with attitude. Now she's mouthing off to the camera and hatin' on Paula Abdul. Where was all this confidence when she was in the audition? She couldn't even remember the words. Oh, big talker. She just talks and talks and keeps hatin' on Paula Abdul, "she old as hell." And she keeps talking. And swearing. And hatin' on Paula. And now she's bitching about Simon.

Heh heh. That was good.

Tomorrow night: San Francisco.