TVSquad

It's about freaking time! Say what you want about the quality of television, but the American Idol auditions are the greatest two weeks known to man. I sincerely think that this is what Ben Franklin had in mind when he invented electricity. And Chicago was given the honor of being this season's first city to be ripped to shreds by Simon. What surprises me about Chicago isn't its lack of talent (yes, I know they air the worst auditions), but that I spotted at least two Mike Ditka impersonators. Mike Ditka? It's been 20 years since the Bears won the Super Bowl. It's time to let 1985 go, Chicago. 

But I don't think they could have kicked off AI any better than with Derek "Sweaty Left Pit" Dupree. How was the right armpit so dry and the left pit so completely soaked? No matter. It's the talent that matters. Oh, but wait, Mr. Sweaty Pit didn't have any of that either. Somehow, homeboy managed to break into three different pitches while singing "Shout," but blamed his lowest pitch as being the culprit for his ultimate demise. Mr. Sweaty Pit proved just crazy enough for the judges to give him a second chance by having the camera crew follow him around for a hour while he "practiced." But an hour later, he came back and was somehow even crazier than the first time. He sang some nameless song that sounded like it came from the Nutbag's Nursery Rhyme book. Of course, the judges said no.

But for some reason, the judges said yes to another nutbag at the end of the show -- Crazy Dave. Dave didn't have a sweaty left pit, but he was shoeless. And at 8 feet 4 inches tall (my rough estimate), he also felt the need to jump around a lot during his performance of an original song. Oh, but wait kids, it gets better. He talks to animals. Yup. Randy and Paula voted him in, but purely for the gag reel. But what was creepy about Paula is that she explained it like this: "For my own reasons....yes." Not good, Paula. That's the Michael Jackson equivalent of holding up an issue of Child magazine. Keep it under the radar awhile, okay?

While Crazy Dave was in, my absolutely favorite nutbag this week didn't make it to Hollywood -- Crystal, the tannest girl in the world. I'm not sure what Crystal sang, but I know she's got two tongues in her mouth. That girl was awesome and when I say awesome, I mean it sarcastically. She was tan, was caked in eyeliner, and somehow, even with all the make-up, her top lip disappeared every time she sang. I loved her. I really did. Not just because she couldn't complete a sentence without saying "like" 52 times, but because there was a 5 second sound delay before she could answer a question. It just seriously surprises me that natural selection hasn't picked these people off yet. Darwin, where are you?

But another performer with multiple tongues was a she-male named Erik, who brought along his grandmother who threatened to kick Simon's ass if he didn't get in. Well, he didn't get in. I know, I know. Calling him a she-male is a little bit harsh, but when I said that, you knew exactly who I was talking about, right? Let's face it, when he sang, he sounded like he had been gargling with the same sorta stuff that Howard Stern practiced saying, "WNNNNNNBC" with.

My other favorite she-male (there's always a few), was Charles, who sang an original song about American Idol. Simon, always the asshole that we love, simply advised, "shave off the beard, wear a dress, and become a female impersonator." I can't say that I disagree.

Of course, Simon's mean comments weren't always necessary. It wouldn't be AI without Simon saying something mean about an overweight person. After one plus-size contestant performed, Simon asked, "Do we have a bigger stage this year? Forget Frenchie, she's France." Not nice, Simon. But hey, that's what he does. He's Simon; he's mean. But Simon wasn't the only one being mean. They never said her name, but contestant #514 felt the need to not only tell contestant #522 that she was nothing special, but then also dissed Carrie Underwood. Sour grapes, baby. 

Of course, Chicago wasn't totally a suckfest. I was particularly fond of young David. Not just because he sounds like Frank Sinatra, or because he hangs around his house in an Insane Tiger Posse shirt. But because when the judges were on the fence about sending him to Hollywood, he told Randy, "Ah, come on, dawg." You gotta love that kid. If AI doesn't work out, then maybe he can get a Starbucks commercial like Michael Buble. I also really dug the Brittenum Twins, Derrell and Terrell. I'm not a fan of twins, but these guys were amazing with "My Girl" and "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." They proved that they could sing beautifully together, and separately. I just hope they can take that magic to Hollywood. Auditions continue Wednesday night at 8pm in Denver.

Be sure to check out some of the hightlight clips that AOL has to offer if you missed tonight's episode.

Simon Meanest Factor: 7, Paula's MC Skat Cat Appeal: 9, Randy Dawg Levels: Dangerously Low