TVSquad

Politics, comedy, and men are obsolete. Plus a war on Christmas. Four great reasons to cure the case of the Mondays that I know, I had last night. Plus, Stephen finally said what I've been hoping would come out of his mouth for ages now - I can make a difference simply by watching TV (specifically his show, but lets not split hairs). I've got the world on a string and all I need is a universal remote. I like the sound of that.

First up, Stephen lets us know why his neck hurts. Apparently years ago, while still living it up as a frat boy, Colbert had an unfortunate garland hanging incident. But it's okay, because it only acts up around the holidays and getting plowed on egg-nog always seems to fix him right up. Speaking of things wrong with your neck, what's up with the fruity rainbow neck sashes given to all Kennedy Center Honors recipients? Stephen can't understand why these awards are such a big deal.

But the Kennedy Center Honors mark the beginning of the holiday season on the Colbert calendar, and that means parties. Of course, no real party is worth it's salt if it doesn't have spiral-cut honey ham for its guests. Stephen guarantees us that spiral cutting any meat will make it better. At one party, he received John Gibson's new book The War on Christmas. Apparently secularization and the push for a neutral holiday (I believe the word is Chrismahannukwanzukkah or something to that effect) is stronger than ever. Which leads to last night's Word: X-Mas. Colbert can't figure out why everyone is so anti-Christmas. What happened to tolerance? He warns us though, that when decorating your tree, "Use popcorn, but not cranberries. It's garland, not a goddamn granola bar."

Next up was the weekly segment, This Week in History. But first he asks stage manager Bobby to apologize to the audience for getting a fact wrong earlier in the show. Colbert "places a premium on personal responsibility." He tracks the progress of all his employees, and the more you screw up, the closer you are to being fired. Happy Holidays indeed! Back to the history lesson, Kingston, TN saw it's first legal liquor store open in over a century this past week. Everyone liked it except the moonshiners who sold bleach to the alcoholics. Alcohol's legality is a great thing, save for the occasional dead frat brother Colbert reasons. Gambling is fine too, even though it's only legal in Nevada, Atlantic City, and any other place with lots a poor people.

Last night's guest was Maureen Dowd, NY Times columnist and author of Are Men Necessary? At this point, I think I'd finally like to say something negative about this show. I'm actually sick of Colbert waving his hands and grandstanding as he walks over to his guests. It was funny initially, but it looks out of place now. He should just walk over and shake his guest's hand. He knows he's going to be funny once he fires some questions. Back to Ms./Miss Dowd (she'll respond to either apparently). She says her book is actually quite nice and affectionate to the male population. Also, part of her current definition of feminism is that today's empowered woman wants to let out her inner slut. She actually said that... wow.

Finally, to compete with the Kennedy awards, Stephen has introduced the Colbert Nation Citizen Award. Tonight's recipient is Luis Soto, an escaped convict who's still on the run. Stephen is convinced that Mr. Soto got the idea to jump ship after he saw Colbert report on prison escapees back on November 8th. He commends Mr. Soto for paying attention and awards him with a giant rainbow flag to hang in his cell. But if he wants it, he needs to call... and stay on the line for 30 seconds so they get his address right. So does anyone actually know where this guy is?