TVSquad

Oh, the trickery! TWOP thought the news of a shower scene between Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey was so (hee) steamy it deserved spoiler treatment on their web site. But not only was it only a few seconds - anyone get screen caps of any juicy bits? - it was a dream sequence. They were really both sleeping with completely prosaic partners; Derek was sleeping with (yawn!) his wife, Meredith was sleeping with random-guy-picked-up-at-bar. "I shall name him: running guy" says Izzie, as he darts out of their apartment, having been given the ol' heave-ho by Meredith. Who's now officially easy. I would use that word - the one that starts with an "s" and ends with an "ut" - but it offends my sensibilities. You know, as a feminist and all.

Instead of calling Meredith names, I'm left to be sad for her. Poor girl is replacing her lost love with empty sex (and too bad, the first guy with whom she supposedly had a one-night-stand was cute and looked nice - so much for a future with him!). One of her empty sex partners, it turns out, has a tumor in just the wrong place so that he has to come to the hospital, where, surprise! Meredith just happens to be coming on duty. Yep. He has a boner that won't stop - until, eventually, Dr. McDreamy fixes him up. Poor, poor Meredith.

And sorry, but cry me a river, Dr. Shepherd. He tells Meredith in surgery that her shenanigans are "surprisingly painful." First: shouldn't be a surprise, we all know you still have the hots for her. And you know you still have the hots for her. Second: you've been sleeping with your wife, man! Surely you can't presume to have any sexual sway over your former girlfriend! Ah, men. They can't ever give up control without a fight no matter how selfish it seems.

Speaking of selfish, pigheaded, and men, Alex. How could you sleep with the hot nurse who gave George your syphillis. How could you. Poor Izzie - now who's she going to end up with? She seemed so happy - for like, one minute - with Alex. George? No. Yes? No. No! That wouldn't work at all. This isn't ER. Please say it isn't ER.

Speaking of Izzie, I am struggling to figure out her characterization. One minute, she's domestic, the next, she's a feminist. One minute, she wishes for true love, the next, she's arguing for the selective abortion of multiple fetuses (it's a fairly common practice to "reduce" the number of fetuses in the womb during risky multiple births. I don't know if I buy her, entirely. She seems to be made up of spare character attributes. You can just see the writers, sitting around, "which doctor should we assign this patient to?" "ummm... let's see... Cristina would be good." "no, if we use her, we don't have the time to do that messy apartment scene... how about Izzie?"

And I'm a touch skeptical about the multiple birth details. If you thought I was going to laugh about the ridiculousness of having quintuplets when there are triplets at home? You're wrong. That happens with amazing frequency. What I'd like to offer up for your disbelief: the fact that a woman managed to carry quintuplets to 32 weeks. That is unheard of. Truly. Even if, by some miracle, this woman carried them to 32 weeks, they'd surely have been in the hospital for a good month or two prior to now.

And the most insulting part of the show, to me: "and how long is a typical gestation period?" asks Dr. Bailey. Oh. My. God. I think that's covered in high school health class - and is not a worthy subject for quizzing in a surgical residency. I'm not just saying that 'cause I've had 80-some weeks under my own childbearing belt. Right?

This episode started out with so much hype and so much passion, then skittered around, spiraling into rather mundane scenes and sad details. I was entertained, but not spellbound. And I never cried. You can do better, Grey's Anatomy. And please, for my sake - for the sake of Patrick Dempsey's not-quite-seen-behind - let's have a better effort next week. Kay?