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The Five: What's wrong with Desperate Housewives?

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Desperate Housewives Vanity FairI've watched Desperate Housewives from the beginning, and you know what? I like the show. Yes, I'm a heterosexual male living in the United States who likes Desperate Housewives. There, I said it. But why did I have to make the sound like a confession? The show is funny, it has a season-long mystery that has you guessing to the very end, and an incredibly hot woman who's often seen shagging or bathing, or both at the same time. So what's wrong? Why do most other guys my age hate this show? Well, I'll tell you.

5) Susan and Mike - The character Susan is a bit too much to take, and for the life of me I can't understand how Mike can stand her. Sorry, but she's an idiot. She's clumsy, manipulating, annoying and, of course, nosey. I'd have to say she is the character I like the least on this show. And can she even be called a "housewife" anyway? She's not married and I'll be damned if I see what she does all day long besides snoop around other people's business and make hell for herself and anyone she cares for.

4) The "soap opera" feel - Watch the promos for this show and it's no wonder why most guys my age wouldn't be caught dead watching it. Well, that and the fact that there are football games on at the same time (I'll get to that later). I admit that I used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place when they first aired, and those were right-out soap operas - really nothing funny at all about them. Once I realized that I got tricked into watching nighttime soaps, I felt cheated and dirty, scrubbed myself clean with a brillo pad, then curled up into a fetal position weeping uncontrolably on the floor of my shower. I'm probably not the only guy who's afraid of that happening again.

3) Sunday Night Football - It's on at the same time! So, if you're a married man looking for some kick-back time after a long weekend of working more than you do during the weekdays, you can either flip to the 8:30 game or watch ... Desperate Housewives? Psssh! Yeah right! Their only hope is to catch guys who only care to watch their favorite team play (me), which means only missing a show every so often.

2) The neighborhood - It's too...perty. It's always sunny. Everybody's yard is clean and tidy. Chicks are washing their own cars outside in skimpy outfits. The only guy who's around all day long doing work outside is Mike, who's usually got his head burried under the hood of his truck. Nobody mows their own lawn, and the people who mow the lawns are always getting laid. Who knew the fringe benefits of high school landscaping? At the end of the weekend, after I've sweated my ass off chopping and dragging downed branches in my back yard, lugged bags of grass and leaves to the local dump, picked up dog crap, trimmed hedges, fixed cracks in my driveway and washed two cars, where the heck are the scantily clad women skipping over to flirt? I hate you, Wisteria Lane!

1) The title - Definitely the number one reason guys don't tune into this show. It's about Housewives. Not just any old housewives, but Desperate ones. Desperate for what? Oh lord, I'd have to sit and watch an hour long show about why these housewives are so miserable and desperate? The title just screams for a woman-only audience. I'm just picturing the guy who operates the wrecking ball truck when he goes to work Monday morning:

Worker 1: "So, did you guys see Corey Dillon last night? Man, that guy's a machine!"
Worker 2: "Uh, no, I was watching Desperate Housewives. Lynette spilled coffee on her boss's lap."

Get ready for the next edition of TV Squad Debate, where Bob and I will butt heads on these points and more. Coming soon...

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