TVSquad

This week, Andy and Maggie are working on a period drama with EastEnder's Ross Kemp (EastEnders is a long-running British soap opera blah blah blah... read about it here). Maggie's dressed up as a lower-class woman, Andy's got a white wig and everything. They're still struggling to get some screentime but a fat guy and a girl without "decent tits" just don't do well onscreen. Offscreen life isn't doing so well either... One of the scenes that I laughed hardest in took place by the food trailer where some depressed-looking fellow is serving lunch to all the extras... Andy tells the server that there's a pube in his food and the server sticks his hands in the food, pulls out the hair, stares at it, and says nonchalantly, "It's not a pube, it's dog hair." Ahh, the life of an extra.

Andy and Maggie spend the afternoon complaining about how they can never get lines or screentime whereas a bald bloke like Ross Kemp is the star. Maggie also looks out for potential boyfriends and spots an attractive fellow in a handsome period uniform ("Why don't men dress like that nowadays?" "... Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube.") She tries to approach him in the line for the restroom but a lady cuts in front of her. Maggie tries to get in front of the woman by saying that she's got a tummyache. When she's prepped for flirtation, the woman comes up to the handsome guy and informs him that Maggie has diarrhea and needs to go ahead or else she'll explode all over the place. Ooh, mood killer.

Ross Kemp turns out to be a bit of a douchebag too because he has the biggest ego ever, talking about how tough and attractive he is. After bragging to Andy about how tough he is, Ross says, "What I'm saying is... you best not get into a fight with me." When he walks away, Andy adds, "... Or a conversation." Speaking with his agent isn't that fun either. Andy's agent suggests that he throw in the towel because he hasn't gotten a lot of good work in the last five years. "Nothing's coming in," his agent says. Clearly, he's not actively seeking out roles for Andy and even jokes about how the phone was unplugged for two days. Ahh, Andy/Agent scenes are my favorite. They should've used Steve Merchant in The Office more often.

Maggie finally overcomes her fears of sounding stupid (on a date, she accidentally said that Columbo discovered America) and approaches the handsome fellow on-set and successfully gets asked out for coffee. And naturally, after the coffee comes the sex. The two of them are making love and Maggie can't be more pleased with finding such a kind gentlemen. Then, out of nowhere, the guy says, "C'mon, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it!" Oh god.

Andy approaches Ross Kemp about maybe getting a line in the production but Ross spends most of his time bragging about how he could beat up Vinnie Jones, a soccer star who is filming something big in the studio across the street. After enduring this boasting, Andy also gets what he want because Ross agrees to look for a line for him. Unfortunately for Ross, he gets into a bit of trouble later because Vinnie Jones hears about all the crap Ross has been talkin'. He confronts Ross, who's just all talk, and ends up biting his head off (um... not literally). Ross turns out to be a complete pansy.