TVSquad

Tom Biro, Ryan Budke and myself were tapped to cover Gilmore Girls due to the regular commentator being unable to. They probably should have looked harder as none of us had seen the show and well... we're a bunch of unapologetic smart asses.

We, however, do apologize profusely in advance if you actually like the show and would recommend you not continue further. Really.

Maybe you can spend the time you would have used to posting complaints in the comments for something more constructive - like learning a new hobby. I hear knitting is hot again. I bet that old lady with all the cats next door would teach you. You can thank us later.

Tom:  Damn, the Gilmore’s started early. So much for TiVo
Jen:  mine got it
Tom:  I got it, but it was 1 min off
Jen:  backwards hats always look awful
Tom:  yeah, most of the time.
Jen:  she's not old enough for 1981 knots landing
Tom:  lorelaI looks nothing like the flash on her bio
Ryan:  ha
Jen:  he needs a shave
Jen:  is she always this high maintence?
Ryan:  he's got permanent 5 oclock shadow
Jen:  button that top you whore
Ryan:  nothing wrong with that
Tom:  seriously. was that considered a monologue
Jen:  ahh boob shot
Ryan:  see it is just like our last one
Jen:  bending over with a wide open shirt
Jen:  why not just have her bounce a little
Ryan:  I read somewhere once that Gilmore Girls has like 2x  the pages in their script that a normal show does
Tom:  for those of you attempting to pay attention, we just saw someone talk the whole way through their feeble attempt to purge their videotape collection of trash. It didn't work.
Jen:  she's a fast talker
Ryan: who's posting this?
Jen:  this has been on the air how long?
Jen:  I'll do it
Ryan:  I think this is it's 5th season
Jen:  gah
Ryan:  iphone
Jen:  these folks in the Rokr commercials can't dance
Ryan:  you mean, their shadows can't dance
Jen:  they just flail
Tom:  that's for sure.
Jen:  iEpileptic
Ryan:  lol
Jen:  oh right, like this chic eats. She'll just puke that up in ten minutes
Tom:  "this girl is so skinny the fan blows her away" - that's an image to portray
Jen:  oh wow, Related, not gonna watch that either
Tom:  that's a great outfit. is this like...normal?
Jen:  the costume rental place got a workout this time
Ryan:  candy striper or candy cane
Jen:  a French maid in non-skimpy French maid uniform
Jen:  and a candy striper
Jen:  they gonna kiss?
Ryan:  did anyone see the family guy parody a couple of weeks ago where it had them making out?
Jen:  LOL yeah!
Ryan:  fantastic
Tom:  so far, I’m really uncomfortable watching this show. like, has anything happened?
Ryan:  I don't think so
Jen:  uh no
Tom:  "purge" should be this week's title. or "babble"
Jen:  binge and purge
Jen:  I still can't believe they have a French maid in a French maid dress
Jen:  maybe a Mexican in sombrero is next?
Tom:  who names their kids "Rory" and "Lorelei" anyway? That's almost as bad as the dialogue on "Dawson's Creek"
Ryan:  lol
Jen:  Oh man the names on soaps are worse. The Bold & The Beautiful has Ridge, Storm, Thorn, Brooke…
Ryan:  sorry there's 5 dogs in my apartment all of a sudden
Tom:  they just said "canapés"
Ryan:  they're still more entertaining
Tom:  love the hand gestures
Ryan:  I remember my bath name - Joseph
Tom:  Sookie is the best name ever.
Jen:  like someone just threw darts at a topographical map
Ryan:  scuse me I have to walk in between the two of you while you argue
Tom:  This is why television is so great - no one ever has a conversation in this fashion
Tom:  there would have been eight expletives by now
Ryan:  you don't?
Jen:  Sookie a chef or something?
Ryan:  I talk a mile a minute
Tom:  Fast talking yes, this kind of conversation, exactly never.
Ryan:  the one yelling?
Jen:  me too
Ryan:  yes she is. uh oh, big math
Jen:  I couldn’t figure out if she was a chef or a taoist
Tom:  Wow, Lorelei is so brilliant!
Ryan:  wow, we work at an inn why didn't we think of having our friends stay here. that WOULD really help
Jen:  he's got a weird nose
Tom:  Nice shirt
Tom:  Where's Bob Newhart when you need him
Jen:  does she wear anything that doesn't show her cleavage that's not there? And what was she flailing at?
Ryan:  They're trying to cover up her daughter's ever expanding cleavage
Jen:  oh Jesus, kill me now
Tom:  If I had to guess, I'd say that someone was a debutante in training
Jen:  You think I should have staggered their release?
Ryan:  what a coincidence my grandmother hates garnish too
Ryan:  staggered what release? the boobs?
Jen:  LOL the "cahnahpays"
Tom:  Are we supposed to want to smack all of these people?
Ryan:  I expect so
Tom:  Drunkard!
Ryan:  me? how did you know?
Jen:  it's like all the old people of Antiques Roadshow with less interesting stuff
Ryan:  I had to do something to take the edge off of this
Tom:  I got McDonald's - it's Monopoly, you know.
Tom:  you know, it's always embarrassing when garnish falls out of your pocket
Jen:  this color does nothing for her
Ryan:  which? the brown, the maroon, the brown, the gray?
Jen:  is everyone wearing brown????
Ryan:  the brown?
Jen:  skinny debutante chic
Tom:  Logan is like the rebel son in town
Ryan:  it's a wiccan funeral
Jen:  LOGAN? Her name is Logan???
Ryan:  he's the bad boy rich boy
Jen:  What Cheynene or Cherokee  not in fashion anymore?
Tom:  No, his is
Ryan:  I love how easy it is for every underage person to get alcohol on the WB
Tom:  My dog is named "paul anka"
Ryan:  mine's is Deuce
Jen:  I'm gonna bend over in this wide necked shirt again and show off my tatas I don’t have
Ryan:  gigidy
Jen:  How many outfits is this so far?
Tom:  three
Ryan:  in one day and not just like pajamas, work, then jeans and a t shirt - full outfits
Tom:  what a tragedy - she might fall into the trap of....using a VHS film
Jen:  Loralei's like a suburban Mariah Carey
Tom:  hahaha
Ryan:  Glitter 2: Star's Hollow
Jen:  hey your face will stay that way you know
Ryan:  obligatory accent on the show
Jen:  token brit to make the girls swoon
Tom:  she forgot about ten digit dialing, I think
Jen:  what was that five digits?
Tom:  This is the most un-diverse show ever
Ryan:  hellooooo
Tom:  LOL
Ryan:  she doesn't understand english?
Tom:  yeah, even better
Ryan:  I can't piss her off - excellent
Jen:  bang her sister, that'll piss her off
Tom:  the guys love that
Ryan:  who's sister?
Jen:  the blonde who doens't speak english
Ryan:  she's got a sister?
Tom:  dude, drunk dialing on Gilmore Girls!
Ryan:  gigidy
Jen:  LOL
Tom:  This reminds me too much of that movie with Seth Green and Jennifer Love Hewitt
Ryan:  Can't Hardly Wait
Ryan:  originally titled "The Party"
Jen:  and the hot girl is wearing a turtleneck almsot
Ryan:  released in 1998
Tom:  yeah, that's the one.
Tom:  who leaves the hot European girl at home alone?
Ryan:  I love Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jen:  so all these kids drink
Tom:  good, that means we have a reviewer for Ghost Whisperer now
Jen:  but none have heard of ruffies?
Ryan:  don't you know, it's the "IN" thing to do
Ryan:  I just gave her the roofie, Buster hit her
Jen:  all this fast dialog makes my head hurt
Jen:  and it's not even like... interesting dialog
Ryan:  it's just inane
Tom:  ooh herbal essences
Jen:  LOL
Jen:  it's inane, ooooh shampoo commercial!
Ryan:  did you guys see that redbull plane racing commercial?
Tom:  yeah
Ryan:  that looks sweeeeeeet
Jen:  no one is doing boops
Ryan:  man, even the commercials drag on in this
Tom:  OMG
Jen:  not that I care, I mean I'm gonna get a ton of hate mail for this thing
Ryan:  ditto. should be fun though
Tom:  Robin Williams is back!
Ryan:  at least we'll drum up some comments
Jen:  he was gone?
Ryan:  no he's not
Jen:  I'm officially old. I want to smack every living actor on this network
Tom:  It's clearly a trend - dialogue on all WB shows is exactly the same and interchangeable
Ryan:  ooooooo.... one tree hill?!?!?! SWEEET
Ryan:  hey, Smallville kicks ass
Tom:  outfit four, but it's a new day
Tom:  The Dragonfly Inn?
Ryan:  who's the queer?
Jen:  ooh, token effeminate foreign dude
Tom:  that guy just said "imminent" and he wasn't referring to global warming or a meteor strike
Jen:  HAHAH Tom
Jen:  he’s got a tan at least
Ryan:  I don't think that's a tan....
Jen:  shhhhh
Ryan:  I run from my family often
Tom:  Sookie!
Ryan:  did you tell mmm mmm about mmm mmm?
Jen:  do they have a cute little kid or a robot? that’s the level of shark I'm feeling here
Ryan:  it's short for nymphomaniac
Tom:  man, this show just livened up for me. okay, not really.
Ryan:  horn dog
Tom:  "horn dog"
Ryan:  gigidy
Jen:  was this written by Ned Flanders?
Ryan:  ha
Tom:  is this guy really wearing this outfit?
Tom:  "welcome to bo"
Ryan:  did he just call her LG?
Jen:  Another token stereotype heard from!
Ryan:  isn't her name Lauren Graham in real life?
Ryan:  is that supposed to be funny?
Tom:  yeah
Ryan:  get my duffel bag out of the minivan
Ryan:  then go get Aunt Mom
Jen:  ok ... all we need is a thick necked jock
Ryan:  and drink some Miller High Life
Tom:  LOL
Jen:  let's take stock...
Jen:  the British playboy
Tom:  check
Jen:  the French maid
Tom:  check
Ryan:  effeminate foreigner
Ryan:  redneck uncle
Tom:  check and check
Ryan:  hippy band man
Tom:  check
Ryan:  asian chick
Jen:  Nerd guy
Ryan:  geeky band man
Ryan:  ha
Tom:  check cubed
Jen:  surly waittress
Ryan:  ah ah ah uh oh oh oh
Tom:  none of this happens in real life
Tom:  "I don't bring my cellphone to work"
Ryan:  who doesn't bring their cell phone to work?
Tom:  that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
Tom:  Is Luke wearing the same clothes as before?
Tom:  err yesterday?
Ryan:  I wanna put something I found at the flea market on top of my cake
Jen:  so he never changes clothes and what’s her face has three times???
Tom:  Seriously - Sookie actually repeats 90% of everything she has to say
Tom:  okay, anything that's a short phrase, over and over again
Ryan:  apparently she's not concerned with her family that she was completely enthralled with earlier
Tom:  she forgot about them
Tom:  because they're on another soundstage
Ryan:  it's tack to drink from a can?
Jen:  dude, really, the hat looks retarded that wat
Jen:  way
Tom:  Man, look at all the conflict shown between Lorelei and Rory right now
Ryan:  but he's hip
Jen:  likeit's not now????
Ryan:  did you know Rory's real name on the show is Lorelei?
Tom:  Ahh, there's a no cellphone sign
Jen:  the hat guys name is RORY??
Ryan:  who names their daughter after themselves
Ryan:  no, the girl
Ryan:  the one we haven't seen for a while
Jen:  oh dear god if my mom named me that I'd shoot myself
Tom:  no, dude, the daughter is named Rory, the girl playing debutante
Ryan:  one of the said "Gilmore Girls"
Ryan:  you went into my underwear drawer
Jen:  Token asian with serious glasses
Ryan:  sorry already checker her off
Jen:  oh damn
Ryan:  come on jen, get your head in the game
Jen:  I’m in shock man trying to absorb this quick stupid dialog
Tom:  is this nerdy guy a game show host?
Ryan:  that's a mac right jen
Jen:  yeah
Tom:  the best part is that this segment of the show has nothing to do with anything.
Jen:  they don’t have sales on g5's
Ryan:  fantastic
Jen:  and they don’t have 300GB hard drives unless you special order, and not even then.. probably
Jen:  morons
Ryan:  you mean they're not just sitting around on sale
Jen:  not 30% off! LOL
Jen:  is he Indian?
Ryan:  is his name Michelle?
Tom:  it's Michel
Tom:  "snarkastic"
Tom:  it's like that taco bell commercial!
Tom:  it's crunchyweezy
Jen:  Ok I like snarktastic
Jen:  that’s what we are!
Jen:  team Snarktastic!
Ryan:  that's so us
Jen:  Form of a giant bitch!
Tom:  HA
Tom:  I want a copy of Sookie's Favorite Recipes
Jen:  Team snarktastoc GO!
Tom:  that could be a Monday on Slashfood. Or not
Ryan:  page 1: little debbies
Ryan:  page 2: snackpacks
Ryan:  page 3: frito lays
Ryan:  she moved to peru?
Jen:  chapter 7 is all pizza
Ryan:  lol
Tom:  I hate to say this, but I really planned on writing this show up. I'm not sure it's feasible to do without getting my head ripped off.
Ryan:  hahaha
Tom:  Who are we supposed to like?
Tom:  Who is even important?
Jen:  Rory.... I just stagger to accept that name on a guy who can't shave and wears a backwards ballcap
Jen:  that’s a "Cooter" or "Loni" - not a "Rory"
Ryan:  HIS NAME IS NOT RORY
Tom:  He's not Rory - he's Luke!
Tom:  Rory is the younger sister debutante garnish carrier
Ryan:  Backwards cap = luke
Jen:  Ahhh
Jen:  not that it matters
Ryan:  not the younger sister… daughter
Tom:  so let's re-recap
Tom:  the diner cook
Ryan:  luke
Tom:  is in with the wannabe nympho
Ryan:  Lorelei
Jen:  yes with ya now
Tom:  but they won't get married until the nympho's sister
Ryan:  the nympho's DAUGHTER, not sister
Tom:  fixes her relationship with her
Ryan:  head in the game people
Tom:  what? Rory is Lorelei's daughter?!
Ryan:  yes
Tom:  you must have watched this before.
Tom:  how did that happen?
Jen:  I sense Ryan has something to confess. you've seen this before !
Ryan:  nope, I just got a recap from my gf
Ryan:  that's why I think it's retarded that they're both named Lorelei
Tom:  This is in HD, folks, I should be able to detect a mother on Lorelei
Tom:  how are they both named Lorelei - is "Rory" apparently short for Lorelei?
Ryan:  apparently
Jen:  tell her to watch more national geographic channel;
Ryan:  lol
Jen:  It's ghost month!
Jen:  FAR more interesting than this crap
Ryan:  man, I watch the stupidest crap on Discovery Hi-Def....
Ryan:  it's just all so pretty
Tom:  man, we should definitely have asked Karina for a primer. NOT
Tom:  Discovery HI Def is great.
Ryan:  discovery hi-def or Karina?
Tom:  both (we love you Karina!)
Tom:  okay, we're at :36 = has anything happened?
Ryan:  people have talked fast
Tom:  check
Ryan:  Ryan is getting drunk with a headache from the fast talking
Jen:  uh someone wanted to cram a moldy 50-year old cake topper on Luke’s cake
Jen:  (see I got his name right)
Ryan:  lol
Ryan:  you get a no prize
Tom:  oooh oooh no cleavage!
Tom:  WARDROBE!
Jen:  and she's gonna change again!
Ryan:  not too sheer?
Ryan:  no such thing
Tom:  obviously they didn't get together last night, for one their bed is too small, and for two, they're TOTALLY dressed
Jen:  and the sheets are kinda neat
Ryan:  ha they totally did
Tom:  Well, so much for no action night before
Jen:  no claw marks over the headboard
Tom:  LOL
Ryan:  now it's time for no emotion fast talking
Tom:  1/2 for the Gilmore Girls last night, ladies and gentlemen
Tom:  holy crap, she is her mom!
Jen:  its a freaky twilight zone thing!
Ryan:  who the hell sleeps in a bra?
Jen:  some girls do
Tom:  really? which ones?
Jen:  ones with tiny boobs with nothing to fear
Ryan:  really.....?
Ryan:  I wasn't aware of this
Ryan:  ha
Jen:  seriously some do. I know some women who have slept in a bra since they were 12
Tom:  Freckles!
Ryan:  isn't that what she slept in?
Tom:  YES
Tom:  "I can't believe there's a 2nd CSPAN"
Tom:  my first entry into the quotes of the week!
Ryan:  AAAHHHHH Gorzilla
Tom:  "Sookie's kids" say that three times fast
Ryan:  you so much talla
Jen:  the on switch is on the monitor they don’t have
Ryan:  damn macs
Jen:  or the keyboard they also don’t have
Jen:  actually I think there is  switch on the back
Ryan:  so they haven't seen each other for a while
Jen:  but you just touch the monitor
Ryan:  just touch it?
Jen:  there’s a touch spot yeah
Jen:  on the display
Tom:  It's funny, when they were at the restaurant, I never would have thought the guys and this girl knew each other.
Ryan:  heh heh, gigidy
Tom:  She thinks she's cool because she's with someone named "Logan"
Jen:  her face looks like too small for her body
Ryan:  wolverine
Tom:  is this girl like six years old?
Jen:  she wears the same size
Ryan:  the asian girl is 30
Ryan:  thank you imdb
Jen:  30??? LOL
Ryan:  yup
Jen:  I WOULD SO FREAKING SHOOT MYSELF
Ryan:  if you were 30?
Jen:  and on this show? oh yeah
Ryan:  hahahaha
Jen:  playing a teenager
Tom:  See, if this were actually happening in reality, it would take place via email or IM
Tom:  I call bullshit on this whole show
Jen:  yeah
Jen:  computers are only seen never used
Ryan:  what the hell is up with that wall?
Tom:  "Reverend Skinner"
Ryan:  what the hell
Tom:  and the computer they have, no one knows how to use
Jen:  they can't find a dress small enough to fit her?
Ryan:  how did they bury his dad in that suit?
Tom:  maybe this is one of the alternate universes that people on Lost might end up in
Ryan:  this one is pretty freaky
Jen:  oh god. what token was he you think?
Ryan:  I just talked to my former mother?
Tom:  OMGHIMOM
Ryan:  the husband who's not in charge
Jen:  that peach color dress looks awful on her
Ryan:  there's so many clichés on this, they'd fit in right at home on Out Of Practice
Ryan:  plug my review
Ryan:  check
Ryan:  make fun of WB
Ryan:  check
Jen:  hahah
Ryan:  win megamillions and blow this joint
Ryan:  damn
Jen:  I like Target commericals, am I a bad person?
Ryan:  no, me too
Tom:  make it three
Ryan:  I love those cookies
Jen:  oh yeah?
Ryan:  they're like tagalongs all year long
Jen:  haven't tried them
Tom:  if you buy enough tagalongs, you can have them all year
Tom:  not that I err...know
Ryan:  ha
Ryan:  do they stay well?
Tom:  yeah, especially if you freeze them
Ryan: beep
Ryan:  wait it's under the creative commons
Ryan:  boop
Tom:  does this guy have scoliosis (sp)
Jen:  giant christening gown?
Ryan:  you spelled it right
Tom:  OMGHIMOM
Ryan:  let's make this more awkward, everyone run
Tom:  that would have been so cool
Ryan:  is that reverend lovejoy?
Tom:  who knows what his name is.
Jen:  is that what godparents are?
Ryan:  I hope not, my godkids are gonna be screwed
Jen:  I though they were just hand me down parents
Tom:  this is horrible
Jen:  WTF???
Tom:  Welcome to Bo!
Ryan:  Colonel Sanders
Jen:  Did that mean something?
Ryan:  what?
Jen:  the dandy warhols line
Ryan:  the change?
Tom:  Is that guy holding a cantaloupe?
Ryan:  t-minus 20 minutes
Jen:  Bo Bellville?
Jen:  can't say that drunk
Ryan:  10 minutes I mean
Tom:  Sookie!
Ryan:  sooooqie?
Ryan:  see I did it
Ryan:  wait....
Tom:  OMG
Tom:  Did that girl have eighty one names?
Jen:  I'm still hearing the last of them
Ryan:  I think there's a couple of girls
Tom:  Could it be...Satan!
Jen:  lol
Ryan:  hahaha
Jen:  NO I LOVE SATAN!!!!!!
Ryan:  LorelaI Jr do you renounce Satan?
Jen:  I'll SUCK THE BLOD FROM THIS BABY!
Ryan:  Satan can kiss my ass
Ryan:  classy
Tom:  Yeah, Satan can kiss my ass!
Tom:  OMGWTFMOM
Jen:  Run! them babies are good money in town!
Ryan:  did they just walk out of the middle of the ceremony?
Tom:  yep
Jen:  These are the most annoying women ever
Jen:  I'd so pants them
Tom:  Is this show in Maine?
Ryan:  no one's ummmm... chasing them?
Ryan:  maybe with pitchforks
Tom:  Sookie!
Tom:  I hope there's salmon puffs
Ryan:  fruit platter!
Ryan:  but better make damn sure there's no garnish
Tom:  That guy has a bolo tie
Ryan:  ha, continuity
Tom:  I love bolo ties, but not anymore.
Jen:  hi, Bo look at my boobies
Tom:  I think I might vomit
Ryan:  I wore a bolo tie to my freshman homecoming.... I did not however wear a white suit
Tom:  See, she did get pregnant at sixteen
Jen:  horndog, again
Jen:  Just say it, you're a dirty dirty slut
Tom:  I'm using the potato salad excuse from now on to extricate myself from various situations
Ryan:  sorry, gotta go get potato salad
Jen:  she better start keeping some to pad out the bra she doesn’t need to wear
Tom:  Hey, Logan, what's up? Let's get drunk and hook up in my backseat
Tom:  seriously.
Jen:  maybe I can use potato salad to leave this chatcast early
Tom:  Jen doesn't like us anymore
Tom:  Society, baby!
Ryan:  hey guys I gotta go get potato salad, i'll be back....
Ryan:  is everyone that's on a tv show assigned a RAZR phone now?
Jen:  a commercial - thank god!
Tom:  Spontaneity is probably not something a Gilmore has
Ryan:  boop
Jen:  well one got pregnant at sixteen
Tom:  BOOP
Jen:  I'm guessing it's NOT a problem really
Tom:  man, the network crossovers never cease. Call Barb, and see if we can get some Engadget link love
Ryan:  I try
Tom:  Oh, yeah, the fourth season of Gilmore Girls on DVD!
Jen:  Oh please Santa! I need a brain hemorrhage for xmas!
Jen:  this piece of gum is sexier than anyone on this show
Ryan:  i've got mine on my netflix queue
Tom:  You probably do, dude.
Ryan:  I don't even have a netflix queue
Ryan:  no netflix account for ryan
Tom:  Kim Cattrall gained 70 lbs since the show ended.
Ryan:  however if Netflix wants to hook me up with one
Jen:  ok these yogurt girls are possibly more obnoxious than Gilmore Girls
Ryan:  HAHAHAHAHA
Tom:  hey Netflix, Ryan needs a hookup
Ryan:  you da man
Ryan:  the cast should have to sing "I'm sorry” to us for this
Ryan:  ha
Tom:  wow, coffee beans in almost HD look cool
Ryan:  did Jen actually go get potato salad
Ryan:  ?
Jen:  shaddup with the HD already!
Tom:  you're just jealous
Jen:  actually yes, my tv is dying
Jen:  my right top corner is out of red
Tom:  because I can see Rory Lorelei's cleavage or non-cleavage in stunning 1080i
Ryan:  go to Sam's Club, they have the best prices
Tom:  she got pizza and Chinese
Ryan:  Rosie O’Donnell in her autobiography
Tom:  OMG if this show wasn't annoying before, now freaking Rosie is on it
Jen:  this makes it even worse
Ryan:  that's all that was on the last stretch?
Jen:  too many commercials but up side - less Gilmore Girls
Tom:  OMG why is the cast wearing clothing from Pearl Harbor?
Tom:  that's all
Ryan:  alright, I’m going to get potato salad