TVSquad

Jon Stewart welcomes the crowd to day three of The Daily Show's special report, "Evolution Schmevolution".

Today, a federal judge ruled that the ‘under God’ portion of the Pledge is unconstitutional. Who cares? Seriously, if you want to marginalize a phrase, have a bunch of fifth graders recite it every day. Surely the courts have something better to do… like, bicker over the legalization of marijuana?

Ed Helms reports today from a living monument to the Darwinian process of adaptation and natural selection: Hooters. You may think Hooters is just boobs and wings, but that’s where you’re wrong. This homely restaurant started off in Clearwater, Florida and evolved and molded itself to fit the needs of the country. Now, it’s all over the damn country. And it’s not just the restaurant that has evolved but the boobs running the restaurants have adjusted as well. Each set of pillow-like fun bags have special jobs and abilities. One set lures customers into the restaurant, another pair distracts them from the mediocre quality of the wings, etc. I think Darwin wrote something like that as a footnote under one of his finch doodles, actually. I could be wrong.

Look! A pig just flew by my window! And Satan was riding upon it, clutching a handful of snowballs! And President Bush took responsibility for the slow federal response to Katrina! Stewart is in disbelief. Quickly, a montage! Footage rolls of spit takes, heads exploding, and that one awkward scene in Fast Times. I’m surprised that the show didn’t touch on this, but, although I think taking responsibility was a great thing to do, there’s a huge possibility that it was Bush’s political advisors telling him to do something before his approval rating dropped any lower. Pullin’ an Eisenhower, eh?

When an evolution-themed story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it in a segment called “Back in Black”. Before Black’s comical rage kicks in, I notice he has curly hair. It’s probably bad that I said out loud, “Awww”. One should not “aww” at Lewis Black. Anyway, Black talks about one of the greatest pieces of evolution-related literature: Of Pandas and People. It’s an extremely thin textbook and it seems to be stuffed with crap. “They’re blinding you with not-science!” Black screams. This isn’t the only enlightening literature… For young creationists, there’s a book called D is for Dinosaur and it teaches that dinosaurs and humans lived together and that dinosaurs were vegetarians. Yeah, ’cause those mighty claws and jagged teeth were for chasing down any plants that tried to get away. And while evolution has its hotspot at the Galapagos Islands, creationism hangs out at the Grand Canyon, apparently. Ken Ham, a creationist, gives a rather scary speech about the truth of the Grand Canyon. Black finishes Ham’s thought by saying, “If we hurry, we can still sacrifice your little sister at the Hoover Dam!”

Tonight, the show has not one guest, but three! They’ve got a panel of experts on the show tonight. Author/professor Dr. Edward J. Larson represents evolution, author Dr. William Dembski represents intelligent design, and metaphysical theorist Ellie Crystal represents twelve different kinds of crazy. These three guests are crammed onto one side of Stewart’s desk. It looks very crowded… Larson and Dembski both present their sides and then Crystal says something about an “energy ball” and us living a “virtual reality”. I’m getting a little weirded out, I’m not gonna lie. She and Larson are chuckling along and having a good time but Dembski looks a little uptight. Stewart tries to ask him about the scrotum and why the hell the intelligent designer would even include it on the male body? Dembski’s side can pretty much be summed up that he believes that there are many instances of design in nature, but it’s not in absolutely everything. Larson’s side is that evolution needs to be taught in schools because so much of science has come from it. He’s frustrated by politicians and religious figures telling science teachers how to teach. The guests are talking over each other quite a bit and the editing is a little wonky (I think they may have had to cut some of the “talking over” bits). I don’t think I like this panel thing very much.

Tomorrow’s the last day of evolution week! And now, your Moment of Zen: That creepy Ken Ham guy is still talking. I can’t quite understand what he’s saying. He sounds like an Australian John F. Kennedy… if JFK was an auctioneer.