TVSquad

Hey hey, the man's name is Jon Stewart and this is day two of The Daily Show's special report, "Evolution Schmevolution". Tonight's guest is Kurt freakin' Vonnegut. Excitement all around!

Ed Helms kicks things off by reporting from the Bronx Zoo in New York. He speaks to Evo-gelist Dan Wharton about the possibility of man's descent from apes. Well, most importantly, who has the bigger penis? Helms is happy to hear that the human penis is larger. Sweet! He tries to get a high five but is totally left hanging by Wharton. Sad Ed decides to learn more by hanging out with a tiny little monkey for a day. Damn. That's probably the most adorable thing I've seen all month. He takes the little monkey to work with him and, turns out, it's doing a pretty kick-ass job. Methinks TDS has found Stephen Colbert's replacement (he's going to be starting his new show, The Colbert Report, in October so he's probably not going to be around as often -- if at all)... that is, once it figures out how to use the microphone.

Yesterday marked the start of the confirmation hearings for John Roberts. We didn't learn much other than that senators like to blah blah blah. Most of them are just rambling with obscenely extended metaphors. Joe Biden did manage to bring up some tough questions, though... Can a microscopic tag be planted in a person's body to track his every moment? Can brain scans be used to determine if a person is likely to commit a dangerous crime? And most importantly, "could a widely available foodstuff be made from people?" (AHH! Soylent Green is people!). Tom Coburn also takes advantage of his few minutes with John Roberts but saying that his "heart aches for less divisiveness... less polarization... less finger-pointing... less bitterness... less partisanship" (you're supposed to throw in dramatic sniffles where the ellipses are). Bravo, Coburn. The same Coburn that said the gay community "is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today." The same Coburn that said, "I favor the death penalty for abortionists." Less bitter indeed. Oh, and if you tuned in to C-SPAN before Coburn got to speak, there was one shot that showed him doing a crossword puzzle under his desk. Nice one.

Senior Judicial Confirmation Analyst Stephen Colbert (he hasn't even left yet and I'm already missing him) throws in his two cents. He's impressed with this Roberts fellow and his half-Windsor look for the tie, no cufflinks, and the way he parts his hair to the left (the right-wing must not be taking that very well). The hearing is going extremely smoothly, Colbert reports, so it's unfortunate for the Bush administration. "Face it," he says. "Consensus building is for queers." There are two kinds of hearings out there: the kind where people talk about pubic hairs on Cokes and the kind where they don't. Colbert stops for a moment and then chuckles in nostalgia. He wonders aloud where Pube Guy is now. Stewart points out that it's Clarence Thomas, who's now on the Supreme Court. Colbert seems surprised as he says, "Wow! Way to go, Pubester!" That's... affectionate.

Tonight's guest is legendary author Kurt Vonnegut (Breakfast of Champions, Cat's Cradle, and his latest, Man Without a Country). The audience cheers loudly as Vonnegut makes his way to his seat. He says that he's been looking forward to this interview because the show's fan base is made up of all the right people. Hurrah for Vonnegut's approval! Anyway, Vonnegut's training is scientific so he expresses his own views on this week's topic of evolution. He says that he can't help but think that evolution is being controlled by a divine engineer and that He or She knows what they're doing. "That's why we've got giraffes, and hippopotami, and the clap," he adds. He also feels like the world's immune system is trying to get rid of us (heh, and rightfully so). Vonnegut even jumps to the defense of our president -- sort of. He points out that most of the country is being mean to the president like he started the hurricane. "He's not the dumbest man at the top of our government," Vonnegut says. According to him, the dumbest is actually our Secretary of Defense. Well, he's got to be pretty dumb to think that he can take over an entire country (and its oil) of 27 million with an army where most of the soldiers don't even know how to say "hello" in Arabic. He's really made a miserable mess of this. The interview ends with Vonnegut taking out a list of liberal crap that he doesn't want to hear anymore. They run out of time so Stewart promises to have the list published on the TDS website under that very title. So... look out for it if you want to see it. 

Here it is, your Moment of Zen: More old Scopes "Monkey" trial footage.