TVSquad

Sam's obsessing over the girl from the Godiva commercial again, imagining that she's winking at him whilst he brushes his teeth. He's also obsessing over his glands - "I think I got AIDS from that girl in the Subway," he tells Billie, referring to Sarah, the gal from the first episode. "She went down on me without a rubber."

So he takes Sarah out to lunch. After commenting on the "insane chemistry" the two share, Sam drops his voice to ask about sharing something else. "What diseases do you have?" He redirects: "...because I hope I'm going to be going down on you in that bathroom in about five minutes." She smiles and says she's clean. "You've been tested in the past six months?" She hedges, before realising exactly what Sam is doing and where it's going. She storms out.

 
So Sam goes to the free clinic. Billie tags along, and Sam asks her why she won't go out with him. "You're not my type," she brushes him off.

In the exam room, the nurse practicioner has a familiar voice. When she turns around, Sam realises it's the girl from the Godiva commercial. He explains that he's only at the clinic because he met a girl on the subway and tried to make her over in her image: "I made her wear read shoes and talk in an english accent when we had sex." The nurse - Heather - says, "I don't know whether to let you in my knickers or call the police." They make a date.

Later, Billie tells Sam, "Be careful. 3D can be very different from 2D." Sam's eyes widen. "This wouldn't have anything to do you being a little jealous, would it?"

Meanwhile, Adam arrests a guy who turns out to be bulemic. Played by Darrell Hammond, the bulemic teaches Adam how to throw up without heaving - he just lets the vomit spill out of his mouth. It's almost elegant, and Adam can't resist. The next thing you know, the two are sharing a bathroom stall in a well-cruised public restroom - puking their guts out.

All of this is fine, but it's Starved business as usual. The following scene, however, was pretty amazing, just incredibly well-written, and full of Eric Schaeffer doing that dead-on creepy/intense thing that gets me so excited. He walks into a room and finds Billie kissing Heather. He tells Heather to leave, and Billie asks her to wait outside. Before leaving, Heather whispers to Sam, "If you play your cards right, you could join us later." Sam tells her to get lost.

This sets things up for an incredibly intense scene between Sam and Billie. Billie is drunk, but Sam has never been more sober, or stone serious. "You are so terrified of getting everything you want, arent you?" he asks. "Love, intimacy, friendship, great sex? All rolled into one."

Billie approaches him, slow and crazy like someone who metabolizes alcohol professionally. "Do you want to be my boyfriend Sam? Tell me you're in love with me."

Without missing a beat, Sam says, "I'm in love with you."

So Billie tests him. She asks him what color the wrappers are on the Little Nemo snack cakes he binges on. He answers immediately and correctly. She then turns away, and the way the shot is set up, she's looking straight at the camera. "What color are my eyes?" He answers just as quick, but this time he's wrong. This proves Billie's point.

"You are an active junkie, Sam. Why would I want to sign up for that?"

"Because real life is messy," Sam says. "And I'm in love with you. And you're in love with me."

Billie shakes her head. "Break up with your cake, and maybe we can have a conversation."

This is amazing – Schaeffer says the next line in the most perfectly measured fashion, with no word priveleged over another: "What do I have to do to get you in my arms?"

"No binging for 90 days. That would be a start."
"Done."

So of course, the first thing he does is head to every bodega in town looking for Nemos, and there are none. In all of New York, no chocolate snack cakes. So he goes to his office and breaks into his secretary's desk, where he's hidden about 10 of them, and gorges himself.