TVSquad

Tonight's episode starts with the ongoing coverage of the courts. The first Justice Sunday was a 90-minute broadcast set on ending the filibuster against "people of faith". Okay, well they've called it again with Justice Sunday II. The superstars of this event included Zell Miller, Tom Delay, Dr. James Dobson, and... the Jerry Falwell Good Time Strict Constructionist Jamboree! Anyway, according to these people (Jamboree not included), the greatest threat to the people of faith are the out-of-control judges. Jon Stewart points out that one of the judges in question might be 4th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Osama bin Laden.

One on-going theme was persecution. Tony Perkins demanded to keep his right to speak from no one in particular. No one was trying to take that way, Perkins man. Geez. Calm down. Tom Delay was also praised for his dedication and good-natured acts through an anecdote about him hanging out in prison. Delay walking in the midst of a line of prisoners? Stewart raises his eyebrow. "Anecdote... or prophecy?!" he asks, flourishing his hands wildly as the screen behind him rolled clouds and the sound rang angelic music. Hm. Probably anecdote. Anyway, it wasn't just conservatives that were there... There were also some people that made no sense whatsoever. Cut to a clip of a speech about how America is a nation of Indians ruled by Swedes. If anything deserves a 'WTF', it's that (I actually said, "Double-you tee eff?!" aloud). But how do you top a night of crazy? Zell Miller, of course. Miller says that court decisions against people of religion have been passed for far too long. He also takes claims that "foreign fads" have something to do with it? A picture of Hello Kitty in a judge's robe pops up. Damn you, Justice Kitty. Miller is also outraged that it is illegal to have prayer in school and that "No Smoking" signs are needed around gas pumps but no warnings about leading a sinful life. Stewart looks amused. "The government should keep us from being engulfed in flames on Earth and that's pretty much it".

Well, with O'Connor's retirement, this means there's an opening in the Court for the first time in 11 years. Ed Helms files a report covering this. If John Roberts does end up getting confirmed, one thing is certain... he's got a fucking awesome job. He'll have endorsement deals as well as long, black robes that clearly demand authority (plus, you can freeball all summer long!)... Don't be downhearted if you think you'll never be quite awesome enough to do it though... You can be Justice too! Helms speaks with Richard Lazarus of Georgetown University to see just what you need to take on this position. Lazarus (aka Professor Obvious) suggests law school. He wasn't much help, so Helms turns to a man that coaches nominees on what they should and shouldn't say (his second job is to be a lookalike to Peter Griffin of Family Guy). Helms gets tested and thinks that he did a swell job answering the sample question but ends up getting schooled. "You're out of order!" he cries, going into Pacino-mode. In the end, you really shouldn't give up hope ever... if you one day get this position, you can do whatever you want, from demancipating the slaves to giving gay men abortions.

Some of you may have heard of Kevin Trudeau if you stay up as late as I do, watching silly infomercials. Trudeau has become a suprise bestseller with his book, Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About. He's almost beaten out the latest Harry Potter book, but Potter has managed to stay on top by... magic (it should be noted that Stewart says this with the most ridiculous wave of his pen)! They roll a clip of Trudeau on one of his infomercials saying that there is a machine in existence that can zap all the cancer out of your body with a particular frequency. "Oddly enough, that machine is the Showtime Rotisserie Barbeque," Stewart says. "Set it... and forget it!... And then it cures your cancer". But further research into Trudeau's background makes everything a little more complex. This seemingly helpful man has been indicted for credit card fraud, taking information from his own customers. They roll another clip of Trudeau saying that there is a cure to virtually every disease in existence. Stewart ponders this, racking his brains for the disease that people that order crap off infomercials have... Oh yeah! Stupidity. In another one of his infomercials, though, Trudeau is sitting with Tammy Faye and she is completely supporting him. Her hair, outfit, and make-up (of course) are abyssmal, leading Stewart to say that apparently one of the cures in the book is to crawl inside a dead zebra and light your eyes on fire.

Tonight's guest is John Irving, writer of Until I Find You. The book is rather large, containing over 800 pages. But, in fact, this is the already cut-down version because the original version had about 30, 000 more words. Irving talks a bit about how he cut it down and how he changed from first person to third person to disconnect himself from the character. The character has sex with an older woman when he is at the age of 11, so the interview naturally veers a little over to that subject. Irving explains that by having sex at such an early age with an experienced woman sort of ruins the sex from the teen years because no one's going to be as good as that older woman. He admits that the sex in his books are always depressing. Stewart then brings up the subject of Kurt Vonnegut and Irving chuckles. Apparently, Irving and Vonnegut were good friends because Vonnegut helped him start up his writing career. He told him exactly what he was good at and what he wasn't so thar Irving would know what to do more of in his novels. One night in Manhattan, he was having dinner with Vonnegut when, all of a sudden, Vonnegut looked as though he was choking. So, poor little 5' 7" Irving tries to Heimlich the 6' 5" Vonnegut. His hands aren't positioned in the nicest place so he has to hammer him from the rodeo position. No way in hell was Irving going to let his hero die. Vonnegut finally struggled enough to say that he wasn't choking and just had emphysema. That's such a strange story. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be able to walk around and say, "I almost killed Kurt Vonnegut".

Okay, let's wrap this up. Here's your Moment of Zen: Over-enthusiastic quotes from Justice Sunday II. "Let the church rise!"