TVSquad

Welcome back to The Daily Show! His name is Jon Stewart and here are the stories we've missed in the last 72 hours...

Of course, it wouldn't be a news show (or a fake news show) if the verdict of the Michael Jackson trial wasn't discussed. Jackson, found not guilty on all counts, must be extremely relieved. Jackson is "heading to Neverland to celebrate with a big bowl of... boys," according to Stewart. "He's going to fix himself a big ol' bowl of boys and just..." Stewart follows this with random noises and rolling around.

Next up, an American epidemic: obesity. "More and more Americans are becoming more and more... American," Stewart says of the fat-boom. This health concern has led companies such as McDonald's to undergo makeovers, adding salads and fruit to their menus. MSNBC recently reported on this and a guest showed up to comment on the new makeover. Friggin' Ronald McDonald was a guest on the MSNBC report. That just screams credibility, doesn't it? The fictional corporate mascot was a guest on the MSNBC morning show on Thursday and he spoke of all the fun new athletic clothing he got to wear because of this new makeover. One can't help but wonder how much dignity is left in the man behind the clown face after this. Stewart says that this interview was more moving than Barbara Walter's interview with Aunt Jemima a few years back in which she "wept syrup".

Now for some political talk. Howard Dean, Democratic chairman, recently had some bad things to say about the Republican party, saying that they're all the same, dressing alike, speaking alike. He even says that they're a completely "white Christian" party. Rather than supporting their leader, Dean's fellow Democrats have been saying fairly negatives things about him. Stewart says that Dean's statement wasn't actualy that harsh. To prove his point, Stewart whips his head to the other camera and says, "Republicans all sodomize shjeep and drink piss straight from the cock". Beautiful, Mr. Stewart. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze (I didn't just steal that from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film, I swear). Well, what does Ed Helms, Senior Political Analyst, think of the Dean comment causing such a scandal? Helms claims that Dean got it wrong. For example, there's a couple of Jewish dudes and a black guy (who hasn't been in congress for three years, but that's okay). And a Catholic guy -- wait, Catholics are Christian, too. Ahh, we'll get back to Helms once he gets his point worked out.

Now time for some International Pamphlet.

• North Korea: Dick Cheney, during his recent Larry King interview, held out the olive branch and then slapped Kim Jong-Il with it. Kim Jong-Il responded by releasing a statement: "Cheney is hated as the most cruel monster and bloodthirsty beast as he has drenched various parts of the world in blood". Apparently Kim Jong-Il is and avid watcher of Larry King's show and had some similar things to say about Wynona Judd.
• China: This country is quickly growing to be America's biggest economic rival. "But we always have one advantage: we're taller," says Stewart. Okay, let me take a moment aside here to express just how funny I find this line here. Jon Stewart's a tiny dude. I'm a Chinese female not even out of high school and I'm taller than Jon Stewart. But then again, I'm pumped with animal hormones from eating American food. Right then, back to the story. There's an infomercial being run in China about a machine that makes you grow. Actually, it lengthens your spine (ow). Another procedure one can undergo is surgery in which the shin bones are broken and pinned back together. A Chinese patient explains just how this works through a translator, "Owww... Ow... Ow, ow, ow..."
• Japan: Due to rising temperatures, Japanese businessmen are being encouraged to dress more lightly for work to save money on air conditioning. If this all works out, the government with enforce mandatory free-balling. Ew, chafe much?
• Where Internationally Are They Now?: Bob Geldof, the man that organized Live Aid twenty years ago, is now organizing another musical fundraiser to help fix poverty in Africa. His new Live 8 (ooh, clever) is being put together in London. It's hard to pay attention to what he's working on now though because Geldof looks like crap. It's like he hasn't slept since Live Aid.

Larry Diamond, author of the book Squandered Victory, is tonight's guest. His new book discusses his concerns with the current state of the project in Iraq. Diamond was chosen by Condoleezza Rice to go over there and help out with the development of a constitution. He says that democracy was being put in place in Iraq but at an almost startling pace. The Americans wanted to slowly introduce democracy to Iraq but the councils took to it a little too quickly, not giving the Americans much of a chance to hold control. Diamond told Rice what he thought had gone wrong and he got no response back. Stewart asked if Americans at home were getting a fair assessment of the goings-on through the government and television. According to Diamond, it's not a proper assessment. Community and business is building in Iraq and that much is true but the terror and insecurity of everday life there is rarely discussed. Women are terrified of going out in fear of getting murdered, raped, or kidnapped. There is still terror in the land, keeping civilians from moving around, even as democracy is building.

Tomorrow's guest is Will Ferrell of the upcoming film, Bewitched. And now your Moment of Zen: Ronald McDonald speaking happily on his new "cool threads". Someone please put that man out of his misery.